


the greatest love story of our time

by ymorton



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-22 20:04:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10704123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymorton/pseuds/ymorton
Summary: #BRAVERY #FREELOUIS





	1. green and blue

Louis sighs, tucking his teensy feet under the covers and yanking out his phone- his real phone, not the one with Louis_Tomlinson on it. His Harry-phone. It’s full of dick pics and dirty texts and the only number in his contacts is Harry’s Louis-phone.

Harry answers in half a ring. He never makes Louis wait.

“Baby,” he says, in his gravelly low voice that makes Louis want to melt. Louis sinks back into the cushions and snaps the suspenders he’s only allowed to wear when he’s alone.

“Hi, my Disney prince.”

Harry chuckles. “Hi, little one.” He sounds tired. Training for a fake role in a movie is surprisingly hard. Even if it seems glamorous and easy compared to having a fake baby, Louis knows that Harry is having a hard time, and he never wants to compare their closets, of course, that would be disgusting. Louis doesn’t care anyway, because Harry has muscles lately, and he can’t wait till their next two-week date in a top-secret location so Harry can push all one hundred pounds of Louis up against a wall and nail his brains out.

“How was your day?” Louis asks. “Tell me everything.”

“Pretty slow. Boring. I just want to hear about you. How are you holding up?”

Louis sniffles. “It’s hard.”

“I know, babe.”

“Just, like, I had to go to Starbucks today. _Again_. But at least they didn’t force me to smoke, thank God. I’ve been eating all my superfoods and taking supplements but it’s still really hurting my health!”

“Oh, my poor little one. I wish I could suck all the smoke right out of your lungs. I wish I could set the Starbucks on fire. I wish I could feed you kale every day.”

Louis smiles. Harry’s such a romantic.

“Then I had a pretty free day. I even got to watch a footy game.”

“Oh, I _love_ when they let you watch footy! You love footy!” Harry sighs. “Almost as much as you love me, right, Lou?”

“Almost,” Louis says teasingly. “But not as much.” 

They fall silent for a moment, which happens to soulmates sometimes. Louis shuts his eyes and sighs deeply. 

“Hey, Lou-bear.”

“Mmhm?” 

Harry coughs.

“Have you thought any more about, like. Maybe trying to come out?”

Louis opens his eyes.

“We can’t,” he says shakily, hand clenched around one suspender. “Because of the contract.”

“But, like, our Modest contract ended, and now that I’m not with Syco-“

“We can’t.” Louis hugs a pillow to his chest and pretends it’s his daddy. He can’t always quite remember why he can’t, but he knows that he can’t. “Because the contract says so.”

“I mean, maybe if we, like, tweeted something, I mean sure they’d take it down, but we know our incredible, loyal, devoted fans would screenshot it in a split second, there’d be no going back, and we could win in court if they sued us-“

“Harry,” Louis says slowly. “We can’t. We’re doing everything we can.”

Harry’s quiet for a minute.

“Sometimes I don’t think we are.”

“I wore green shoes today!” Louis’ voice cracks embarrassingly, highlighting how high and gay it is. “And you wore blue! So don’t tell me we’re not doing our best!”

“Baby-“

“Just _last week_ I put a space between a word and an exclamation point so they’d know it was me, and my mum left that comment on my Instagram with a coded message, and I wore that Gucci sweatshirt, and I forced my family to delete all the photos of the “baby”, and-“

“Baby, I know. You’re right. You’re so right. There’s no way we can come out, because of how we’re being forced not to come out, and that’s a completely legitimate contract that we signed, even though we’re on hiatus and it’s illegal to forcibly contract people. You’re always so right, my boo bear. This has never happened before but it’s happening to _us_ , and we just have to accept it.”

“Exactly!” Louis huffs, and settles back into the bed. “So what’s on your schedule tomorrow, daddy?”

Harry yawns. “Mm, sitting in a dark hotel room until half-three, then putting on my gray hoodie and beanie and going for a twenty-minute run with three security past a busy street, doing another few laps if no one takes a photo of me, calling a pap if I have to. The usual. At night I was thinking of calling my mum to make sure she posts another secret message on Instagram and then wanking to the life-size poster of you I put up on the wall. Almost as good as the real thing.”

Louis giggles.

“What about you?” Harry asks.

“Hmm,” Louis says, the smile falling off his face as he thinks about all the women he’ll have to interact with tomorrow. “I have a pap-walk at half-nine at Calabasas Commons to “pick up” the “baby” with Briani Jungleworms and that fat bitch Ashley, and then Danielle’s flying into town so I have to have dinner with her at some stupid fancy restaurant. They told me I have to kiss her twice and put an arm around her while I smoke a cigarette, you don’t mind, do you, Hazza?”

Harry chuckles. “Of course not, Lou bear. Just think of the long-term strategy.”

“That’s the only thing that gets me through conversations with her, you know that.” Louis laughs. “God, what a horrible gold-digging bitch. You know she went to Pride the other day? She supports queer people, what a fucking cunt. I hope her career tanks when we come out.”

“And when d’you think that’ll be again, little one?”

Louis sighs, blue eyes filling with tears. He hugs his pillow and looks at the photo of him and Harry mid-coitus that he keeps in his nightstand and only takes out when he’s alone.

“I don’t know, Harry. Neither of us know. And we’ll never know. And that’s just a normal part of being gay in the industry, and we both just have to accept it, and never try to fight it.”

Harry sniffles. “You’re so right.”

“I love you, hubby.”

“I’m kissing the phone and pretending it’s your beautiful dick-sucking lips, baby.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “You’re so crazy.”

“I’m crazy for _you_.”

“See you soon.”

“Less than two weeks, right?”

“Always,” Louis says emphatically. They never break the two-week rule. Even though Management controls every single part of their lives, they still manage to travel to see each other every two weeks in a secret location and have no paparazzi or fan photos. The last time it was just a quickie on the floor of a van parked outside Old Trafford, but they can’t be choosy.

“Good night, Lou bear. 18.”

“16,” Louis sighs.

“Dagger!”

“Rose!”

“Oops,” Harry says, voice full of love.

“Hi,” Louis giggles. “G’night, Hazza.”

He hangs up and wipes a tear from his cheek. Tomorrow he’ll have to take off his suspenders, straighten his wrists, and get ready for another day. Hopefully Simon will forgive him soon and let him off the hook. If it is Simon who’s doing all this. Some days, Louis honestly can’t remember.


	2. the v-word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fucking free louis !!!!!!

“Hey, Lou,” Harry says after a long quiet, and Louis startles. He can get lost in his head when Harry’s quiet for a while. Sometimes he thinks the only thing that’s actually real is Harry’s voice. That’s why they talk on the phone every single day no matter what. If he doesn’t hear Harry he might lose his mind!

“Yeah?” he says, relieved.

“I was scrolling through my secret Tumblr like I do every night, checking on our real fans who understand all the clues we’re sending, making sure they’re staying strong even through that Father’s Day shit-“

“Wait, bulletproofhalo or worshippedlove?”

“All of them! They’re all such incredible critical thinkers. I hope they out us soon.” Harry sighs. “Anyway, I saw such an adorable post about you using sign language with that little deaf girl at the charity match!”

Louis preens. He doesn’t love to think about Soccer Aid, because he barely got to play even though he was the most famous person there and they totally used his name for promo, but that _was_ pretty cute of him. Louis even leaned down and whispered _Larry is real_ in the deaf girl’s ear, and she had no clue! 

“God, you’re so good with kids. I can’t wait til you get to be a dad for real, Louis. You’ll only be a real dad when it’s with me.”

“I know.” Louis sniffles. “I hate that I had to take that stupid, awkward, extra photo yesterday with Eric-“

“Elliott?”

“Whatever.” Louis flips his fringe back. “It just grosses me out that he was, like, made by a boy fucking a girl. Like, that’s just so gross, I didn’t even want to touch his fat little hand. I can’t even look at him without thinking about it.“

“Well,” Harry says, slowly. “Lou-bear. Like… when we have a baby it’s going to need to be made that way too. It’s biology, y’know, the penis needs to go into the vag-“

“Ugh, shut up!” Louis rubs his temples. “Sorry, daddy, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just hate hearing the v-word.”

“I know. Me too.” Harry sighs. “If only everyone had dicks. If only _I_ could get pregnant.”

“But I’d have to top! And I’m so small! How would that even work?” Louis shudders. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Of course we can, little one.”

They both fall silent.

“Oh, hey,” he says suddenly. “That deaf kid reminds me. Remember the time on tour when we were talking in sign language during the show-“

“Which time?” Harry asks, chuckling. “We _always_ talked in sign language, since we’re both fluent.”

“That time when we were _dirty_ talking?” Louis giggles and takes a sensual bite of a carrot. Management doesn’t let him eat carrots in public, just fast food and venti lattes. Somedays he’s so hungry for nutrients after a long day of stunting that he eats the whole bag! 

“Mm, I still need you to narrow it down, baby boy,” Harry murmurs. 

Louis gags himself on a carrot in excitement and wipes spit off his mouth. “That time we were signing about you eating my arse later, and we didn’t realize that little deaf kid was standing in the front row and could see _everything_?”

He cackles. “Her face!”

Harry laughs. “Oh my god, I do remember that. I felt so bad.”

“I mean, she has to learn sometime.” Louis shrugs. “She was probably a het girl anyway.”

“I think she was like seven years old.”

Louis shrugs and pops the last bit of carrot in his mouth. “Still. Bitch.”


	3. image clause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haha you REALLY think breep was pregnant? explain how she wore size 00 leather pants 20 minutes after giving "birth" ???

“Babe,” Harry says, wiggling the finger he still has in Louis’ arse. He’s wearing one of his thirty engagement rings Louis’ bought him and it’s nice and cold against Louis’ arsehole. “I- I really think we should come out.”

“We can’t!”

“Why not?”

“Image clause-“

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“The contracts?”

“Are expired-“

“Simon!”

“Would be totally ruined if we exposed him as the-“ Harry slips another finger in and Louis whimpers. “Baby-faking, homophobic arsehole he is-“

“But he’d- he’d be mad at me,” Louis whines. “Or sad or something.”

“Don’t you hate him?”

“Of course I hate him!” Louis totally hates Simon! Simon’s the _worst_. He’s the embodiment of evil. He’s a greedy jerk, unlike Louis, who keeps his net worth at a modest $23 million.

“It just doesn’t always seem like you hate him. Seems like you see him more often than you see me lately.” 

“Um, that’s ridiculous, you utter cretin. We see each other every two weeks!” 

“I know. I just- I’m sick of you associating with him when he’s hurting us like this.” 

“I’m _acting_ , Haz. Didn’t you see my latest coded t-shirt message?”

Harry sighs against the top of his head. “I- I must’ve missed that one, Lou bear.”

“It was a Guns n Roses t-shirt with some _very_ scathing lyrics.” Louis giggles. “Trust me, everyone will get the message. I’ll check the blogs later today and make sure they picked up on it.”

“Do you think maybe we could try sending an - an actual message? A bit less- subtle?”

“My special secret super-gay codes _are_ actual messages.” Louis twists his neck up to look at Harry. “What are you saying?”

Harry won’t meet his eyes.

“Just,” he mumbles. “I’m just starting to feel like there’s not really a… a reason we can’t come out.”

Louis gapes at him. “How _dare_ you?”

“Don’t get mad, baby-“

“We have to trust NT! NT is totally working everything out, it’s just a really complicated behind the scenes battle with OT right now that none of us fully understand.” 

“Well, Jeff says-“

“Oh, Jeff says this, Jeff says that. What, are you _screwing_ him, you slag?”

Harry makes an injured sound. “Of course not.”

“Then shut up about fucking Jeff.”

“All I was gonna say is that- Jeff’s not totally sure if Full Stop is going to sign the whole band.”

Louis scoffs. “Full Stop. Is that even a real management company? They barely have an online presence, it’s not very organic-“

“Louis. I’m telling you it’s a real company.”

“Well, I’ll believe it when there’s an official announcement.”

Harry sighs again. He’s been sighing a lot lately. Louis knows the closet is hard on him, but maybe he should consider that _Louis_ is the one who has to carry around a disgusting infant and hold hands with an ugly bitch with no fashion sense just so people won’t realize that he’s totally, crazily, flamboyantly, happily, GAY!

Louis takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispers. He sticks an apologetic third finger into Louis’ bum. “Did I make you upset?”

“I just wish you’d be patient.”

“It’s been six years, Lou.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Of course you do, baby boy, of course-“

“So stop being so annoying! Jesus, you’re acting like a dumb pushy _woman_ or something.” Louis shudders.

“I just- I know how much you hate all the stunts. Imagine a life with no stunts. Where we’re just - living our lives, and there are no secret messages, or beards, and not everything has a secret meaning-“

“Oh, don’t be unrealistic. No one lives like that.”

“Louis-“

“Shut up and fuck me before Danielle shows up for our date. She’s at the rental house taking photos in front of the pool and being extra, but we have to meet in a half hour.”

“Alright,” Harry says, sounding defeated. “I’ll get the lube.” 

They come at the same time, like they have since 2010 when Harry was a teenager and Louis made him wear a buttplug in an interview. Afterwards they lay there in each other’s arms until Louis’ tummy rumbles and he has to let go of his big strong daddy to grab some of the carrots he left on the nightstand. 

“I wish I could make you a nice kale salad and go in for round two,” Harry whispers, stroking Louis’ favorite tattoo, which is a realistic drawing of Harry’s big fat cock, right where it belongs, on Louis’ big gay arse.

“Me too,” Louis sighs. “You know how much I love kale. _Danielle_ and I will probably have to eat tater tots or something. It’s like hashtag management _wants_ me to get fat.” 

“Well, I’d still love you if you got fat,” Harry says, chuckling and squeezing his bum.

“I wouldn’t love you,” Louis says, popping a carrot in his mouth. “So don’t you dare.”

“Whatever you want, baby.”

Louis grins. Harry always says that, but Louis never gets tired of it.


	4. two-week date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he has gay ankles. gay wrists. gay voice. open your EYES dumb hets.

Louis jiggles his foot anxiously as he waits for Harry to pick up. _Finally_ the phone stops ringing, and he hears-

“Hello?”

“Hiiiii,” Louis sighs, finally letting his voice rise. It hurts to try and keep it low to seem aggressively het. “Why’d you take so long to pick up?”

“I’m-“ Harry coughs. “Sorry, baby, I’m just in the studio.”

The smile slips off Louis’ face. “The studio.”

“Louis-“

“No, it’s fine. It’s fine.” Louis takes his hand out of his unzipped jeans. “I’m still stuck in babygate hell and you’re just swanning off to studio.”

“Baby, don’t be mad.” Harry sounds sad, and it makes Louis sad to hear it. He takes a couple deep breaths.

“I thought you’d be celebrating with me.”

“Celebrating, uh - what exactly?”

“The matching tattoo day of the 31 days of Larry, obviously!” Louis sinks back into his pillows, smiling. “Didn’t you see my Instagram post? I posted a photo of the dagger and then I was wearing this shirt with a rose on the chest, and the dagger was like piercing the rose, because like, of how I pierce your heart. Do you get it?”

“I get it,” Harry says, sounding far away. Maybe it’s just the cell connection. “That’s, uh, that’s really good, Lou. That’s clever.”  

Louis shuts his eyes and sighs happily. “Yeah. And of course our true fans have already picked up on it. You know, as hard as it is for me, to have to touch a woman and take photos with that disgusting fake baby, it’s even harder for our fans. They’re the ones who are _really_ suffering.”

“Really? Cos I feel like it’s us, more.”

Louis’ eyes pop open, narrowing. That tone sounds familiar. That’s the tone Harry gets when he wants to talk about c*ming o*t. Louis _hates_ that tone. Almost as much as he hates… his closet. He does hate his closet, doesn’t he? His closet is _shit_. Except it’s a bit fun to send all these secret messages and clues. It’s like a big treasure hunt, and the end prize is _him_! And Harry, of course. Harry’s part of this too.

“Daddy,” he sighs, in that voice that always makes Harry melt. “Can we just be happy for one day? This is a _good day_. I posted a _really_ good message, and now they know we’re Larry af. I gave them hope again! Can we ever celebrate anything anymore?”

Harry’s quiet for a moment.

“Sure, babe,” he says finally. “Sorry. I’m just jet lagged.”

“From Jamaica?”

“Yeah,” Harry says, sounding like he’s smiling. “Mm, that was a good time. Did you finally get all the sand out of your arsehole?”

“Almost. Still a bit gritty.” Louis giggles.

“Oh, that reminds me.” Harry coughs. “Dunno if I’ll be able to make our two-week date in Majorca next weekend.”

Louis sits up. “Why not?”

“I have this recording session planned with Nathan, and I-“

Louis very calmly reaches out for his glass of carrot juice and throws it against the wall. It shatters everywhere, dripping orange over the life-size portrait of him and Harry on a horse on the beach.

“What?” he bites out.

“Baby-“

“Explain.”

“It’s just - listen, alright, he’s out of town most of-“

“Who the _fuck_ cares where he is? Are you fucking _him_? Are you in a six year committed secret relationship with _him_? Are you engaged to fucking _Nathan_?”

“Uhh. No, I’m not-“

“So tell me why the fuck you’re planning on spending a single minute with him.”

“Louis, we’ve talked about this.”

Louis really wishes he had another glass of carrot juice to throw. He settles for throwing an actual baby carrot, but it doesn’t shatter. Not as satisfying.

“I am your only priority,” he says. “Well, me and the larries.”

“Lou bear, I don’t think that’s healthy-“

“I tell you what’s healthy.”

“Louis-“ Harry lets out a crackly sigh. “Oh- shit, babe, I think I’m losing connection, I’m going into a tunnel-“

“What? Harry?”

“I’m-“ the voice fades out. “Sorry, I’m losing you-“

The line goes dead.

Louis stares furiously at the wall for a minute, and then throws his entire _bag_ of baby carrots onto the floor. It almost makes him feel better.


	5. boss dude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> simon cowell just wants to ruin louis' life. open your EYES.

After the fourth time Harry falls over, it’s less cute and more annoying.

“Daddy,” Louis says, trying not to sound irritated. “Can we just get the shot?”

“It’s _hard_ ,” Harry mumbles, balancing on one foot as he tries to get his right foot in the photo, balancing his weight on Louis’ shoulder. Louis’ so delicate and smol that it’s starting to _hurt_! 

“I can feel what else is hard,” Louis giggles, moving his hips back against Harry’s big dick and aiming his camera down at their cleats. “Focus, c’mon, I have to post this.”

“I can’t help it,” Harry murmurs, kissing his neck. “It makes me so hard when we send secret messages.”

“Mm, me too.” Louis narrows his eyes to take a perfect shot and _finally_ gets it. He crows in triumph. “Yes! Good job, Disney prince.”

“No problem, cheekbones.” Harry peers down at Louis’ phone. He has to peer down because Louis is two full feet shorter than him!!! “Nice. That looks great.”

“Is it too subtle?” Louis pouts. “I’m worried they won’t get that it’s you. Maybe we should have posted two pairs of feet.”

“No, no way. Look, the skin tone is different, they’ll analyze that. The shoes are clearly different sizes. I mean, it might take a while for them to crack it, but these are the _critical thinkers_ of our incredible fandom we’re talking about. They’re not the het sheep who eat up Louis_Tomlinson’s ridiculous posts about Frelliot.”

Louis sighs happily. “You’re right.”

Harry kisses his neck, and then the side of his mouth, and slowly lifts Louis’ phone and swaps it to selfie mode. Louis’ sucking on Harry’s tongue as the camera goes off.

“Mmm,” Harry hums, pulling off and showing Louis the photo. “How about you post that one next?”

Louis groans. “Harry-“

“We could,” Harry whispers. He opens up Instagram. “We have free access right now. Who knows when they’ll next let you on your Instagram.”

Louis looks back at the house behind him, at the darkened windows. He doesn’t know who’s in there, but he’s sure They’re watching. Someone. The _boss dude_. “Harry, we can’t.” 

Harry hugs him around the waist. “But if we do this, we can finally set the plan in motion after so many behind the scene delays. I can release my album, _Fucking My Baby Boy In The Ass_ , and we can finally get the boys back together.”

“Wait, so you’re gonna go solo with an album of gay love anthems, but One Direction is also getting back together this year?” Louis squints. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Harry pauses for a minute, thinking. “Yeah, I don’t really get it either.”  

Louis sighs and pulls the phone out of Harry’s hand. “Not today, Harry. We have to trust NT.”

“God, Lou bear, _please_ ,” Harry says, a note of desperation in his voice. “Tell me who NT is, _please_! Is it Jeff? He won’t tell me!”

Louis doesn’t know how to tell him that he doesn’t know either. He just knows they’re out there, and they have his best interests at heart. He receives his daily instructions from a blocked phone number, and he’s stopped trying to ask who it is. “Shh, relax, daddy. Let’s go inside and you can eat my ass while I read you Larry comments on my teenage sisters’ Instagrams. That always calms you down.”

Harry smiles against his cheek. “God, I’m so lucky to have you.”

“I know,” Louis says, taking Harry’s big hand in his teensy tiny one. Harry is pretty lucky. Filming a movie, recording an album, not having to stunt with a fat giant ugly baby and a family of trashy gold-digging demons -

Louis stops himself. It’s _not_ fair to compare their closets, he knows that. And he got to tweet Harry on his birthday. That felt _incredible_ , to finally have that freedom after years of being gagged on Twitter. It felt almost as good as being out.

“Inside,” he says, opening up Tumblr on his phone as Harry slings an arm around his shoulders and walks them in. “Ooh, the photo just hit the blogs. I bet Verily will crack it this time. She  _always_  has a theory for everything we do, even if it’s not part of the narrative. It’s incredible.”

“My money’s on kindofsharethat,” Harry says. “What a genius. I just wish I could thank them in any way except sending anons every once in a while.”

Louis snuggles under Harry’s armpit, which is still six inches above Louis’ head. “I know, daddy. Here, how about if they haven’t cracked it in a few hours, we’ll submit an anonymous analysis of our skin tone and hair and shoe size.”

Harry squeals with happiness. “God, I love you. I can’t wait til we can share it with our real fans. We’re gonna be domestic af when NT lets us come out.”

Louis squeezes two of Harry’s fingers, which is all he can fit in his smol hand. “I know. We just have to wait.” 


	6. pap walk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry wears PINK. so he's GAY.

Louis checks his watch, and looks down at his phone, curling his teensy smol feet beneath him on the uncomfortable couch in the house he keeps meaning to sell.

_Sorry daddy. I can’t ring yet because the delivery & pap are coming in 10 min. We have to wear matching outfits._

He hits send and looks up. Eleanor’s sitting on the couch opposite him, staring at her phone.

“Why aren’t you dressed?” Louis asks, suddenly tired of her pointy nose and ugly pale face. At least Danielle was objectively pretty. Not that Louis thinks of women as _pretty_. But sometimes from the right angle she looked a little bit like Harry.

She starts pulling off her jumper, revealing a white t-shirt underneath.

“Ew!” Louis yelps, flailing his gay wrists around in panic. “Not here!!! Go in the toilet!”

“Seriously?”

“Get out!”

She sighs long-sufferingly, like she’s not loving the paychecks she keeps getting from Simon/Syco/Crusty/James Grant/Bossman. Louis glares at her back as she leaves.

When he’s finally alone he slides on his tracksuit, pulling it down over his curvy tiny hips. He hates the matching outfits, but he looks alright in them. Eleanor looks ugly and trashy, but he looks quite fit and pretty and smol. At least there’s that.

He wishes he could wear matching tracksuits with _Harry_. Someday, he reminds himself. Someday. Not that they’ll do inorganic pap walks like he does now, they’re classier than that, but they’ll… they’ll just be free! He’ll finally be free to post naked photos of them in bed for all their real fans to finger themselves to. He can’t _wait_. And god knows they deserve it after all their suffering!!! 

Louis’ phone buzzes and he grabs for it, eager, but it’s not Harry. It’s a blocked unknown number - _Bossman_. Louis’ hand trembles.

_Be outside with Eleanor in 2 minutes. You must both be photographed by the paparazzi. You will receive a text when the photos have been taken. Take the package, pay in cash. - A_

Louis draws in a shaky breath and goes back to his message thread with Harry. He’s texted him four times in a row and Harry hasn’t responded. He knows Harry’s busy with the single and doing promo but _Christ_ , couldn’t he spare a little time for his fucking _husband_? 

_I cant wait to talk to you my Disney prince xxxxxxxxxx - love, the little one with the cheekbones_

He hits send and the doorbell rings. Eleanor clatters down the stairs, eyes wide, disgusting t*ts out and bouncing.

“Zip your jacket up, no one wants to see that,” Louis says, shoving his phone in his pocket. “Remember, don’t touch me.”

She nods hungrily, eager for the camera as always, and practically sprints towards the door, running her hands through her hair. Fucking famewhore.

Louis draws in a deep breath and opens the door. He fumbles a wad of cash out of his pocket and shoves it at the delivery guy, who hands him a white package. The pap’s camera clicks in the distance and Eleanor peers out from behind him.

“Here,” Louis mutters, stepping aside so she can have her shot. She says something Louis doesn’t hear to the delivery man and Louis feels his phone in his pocket.

_It’s done. You may close the door._

_There will be a car waiting for Eleanor outside in 30 minutes. Await instructions for your next stunt tomorrow. - A_

“Thanks!” Louis barks to the delivery guy, and slams the door in his face.

Eleanor’s buzzing. She immediately pulls out her phone to look at herself in the camera, pursing her lips and fussing with her hair. She’s so bloody vapid and stupid. Louis fucking hates her. But he doesn’t hate women. He’s not a misogynist. He just hates Eleanor, Danielle, Kendall, Taylor, Briana, Ashley, Tammi, and lately Gemma… Though he hasn’t told Harry that, of course. Gemma’s just such an ableist cunt. He doesn’t know how Harry stands her.

Eleanor looks up from her phone.

“Was that alright?”

“Yep.” Louis checks his messages again. Nothing. “You’ll get picked up in a half hour.”

“Do you want to, um, maybe have lunch or something til then? I could make sandwiches, for old time’s sake-” She giggles. 

“With you? No.” He looks at his phone yet again. What the hell is Harry _doing_?

Eleanor touches his shoulder gently, and he shakes her off, giving her a dirty look.

“Sorry,” she mumbles. “I’m just- I heard the song. Harry’s. It’s amazing.”

“Yes, I know.” Louis locks the door behind them and turns his back on her.

“I mean, it’s really great.” She follows him into the kitchen. “Have you- have you talked to him lately?”

“How is that your business?” Louis pulls a bag of carrots out of the fridge and shoves two in his mouth at once. It’s the only thing that relaxes him these days. “And of course I have.”

“Oh. Well, um. Tell him congrats for me.”

“He doesn’t want to hear from you.”

That’s a bit of a lie. Harry has a maddening tendency to _forgive_ Eleanor for what she’s doing. Something about her being under contract too, or her not pulling the strings. It makes Louis furious, so they don’t talk about it.

There’s a few things they don’t talk about lately. Louis tries not to be worried about that. All long-term, committed, stable relationships have little issues. A fake baby, a fake girlfriend, a film, and two solo albums maybe aren’t _little_ , but Louis knows their love is eternal and unchanging. 

“You, uh- you alright, Lou?” She sounds soft. “I mean, I know we’re not exactly close-“

Louis snorts and chomps on another carrot.

“- but, like. I’ve been your beard for years now. I do actually care about you, you know.”

“You care about your paycheck.”

“So do you,” she says, not soft anymore, sharp now. Louis goes tense. “I mean, or you’d break contract, right?“

“You know _nothing_ about contracts. Or image clauses. Or sunset clauses. Or PR strategies. Or critical thinking. Or closeting. Have you never _heard_ of Barry Manilow? You stupid het-“

“I was just asking if you’re alright. You know. Lately. I know Harry’s just released music and he’s, y’know, hanging out with Grimmy, and-”

Louis turns to her, shaking. She did _not_  just say the G-word. “I can’t stand you.”

Eleanor sighs at him. “Louis-“

He dumps the bag of carrots over her head and turns on his heel. 

Safely in his locked room, he fumbles for his phone again, but Harry still hasn’t texted back. He throws it at the wall but it doesn’t make him feel better, so he reaches for his emergency stash of carrots in his nightstand, right under Harry’s collar and all their buttplugs. 

Soon, right? They’ll let him be free soon. Just a few more- days? Months? Years? He just has to wait til everyone is convinced he’s straight before he can… come out. He just has to wait til his contract expires again. He just has to wait until everyone forgets about the “baby”. He just has to wait until Harry asks Jeff to free him. He just - he just has to wait. 

He’s been waiting six years, so what’s a little while longer? 


End file.
